Now, the floors are in, and I've retaken the territory. And finally, after nearly 3 years living here, I have found the magic subwoofer reality schism. So the toilet didn't hate me after all, it was just trying to give me better bass!
No, but actually the water wasn't nasty like that. It just had enough resistance that when the flapper stuck it ran over, so maybe 2% pisswater.
The shitty job was replacing it, which I did myself. Oddball old toilet and the only parts available are shitty before you even install them. Insurance company may say it's fine, AFAIC it is cursed.
It was stressful, but I didn't lose much but the floors. Floor is not for keeping things in my house. 3am is just terrible timing.
When I pulled everything out of the room and put it back in, I rearranged it and found the sweet spot. Though I'm willing to bet there's a perfect sweet spot under the toilet floor too. It would just make sense, and might be useful for difficult poops.
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