Need more life advice

Ryu, I will echo what others have said: my early 20s were a time of great turbulence, uncertainty and suffering. As well as tremendous change, growth, friendship, learning. There is a link between the two. Nothing changes without some uncertainty and pain. And you will discover more about yourself and your own ideas, your own desires in this life, and how they are different from others (like your friend who is content to live at home).

That aside, it sounds like you really need to talk to someone in real life. It is good to talk to close friends about these things, just to know you have been heard. But they are probably in the same spot and don't have the answers, just sympathy. I agree with others that a trip to a professional (psychologist) could be very good. In your case, you sound like you're dealing with very normal questions and feelings but they are difficult and you want to learn to deal with them properly instead of coping in unhealthy ways. A professional should not have "the answer" for you but should help you understand the way you think about the world, about yourself, about your career, about others, what you value, how you judge yourself, etc. Understanding your own views - whether they are truly your own or absorbed from society or family - and how they influence your thoughts and actions are huge.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is what I'm talking about. Here is a basic summary of it:


This is perfectly compatible with mindfulness, meditation, buddhism, etc. Just tools to start seeing what actually goes in your mind. It takes time to understand yourself, and it never really ends, but I have a much better grip on who I am and why I act certain ways, and I feel empowered to change the things I'm not proud of. If I had started seeing a therapist when I was your age I might be quite a bit farther along.

 

A lot of great advices, you are one lucky guy!
Sounds like when you do things you enjoy doing so to a great extent, and then you forget other things going on around you (looking at your driving example). Don't think this is bad, because it can be a great motivation and courage when you use it right. Maybe you will benefit from opening your eyes and sharpening your senses. Hope you get enlightened by one of these posts!

 

I'm gonna second Cognitive behavioral therapy. I forgot to add that in my post.

 

Don't look at me, I'm just 15 .
I usually compare myself to my friends a lot, and I can't seem to best them at much. I'm not the brightest student, I'm not athletic and don't have the fittest physique. I'm not very outgoing or humorous. But strangely enough, I never seem to suffer from low esteem. Somehow, even though I fail at things, I never feel hopeless or in despair, I tell myself I can get better and deep down I think of myself quite highly.
You know yourself better than anyone else.
I can't answer your questions since I don't know you. But I'll say this:

In order to conquer others, first you must conquer yourself.

But some really good advice here. I'm getting emotional.

 

This is the fundamental act of mindfulness/meditation/whateveryoucallit, which I have found very useful. Its not about just accepting you for "who you are" its about acknowledging the things you are feeling, and being ok with feeling them. This distinction matters because the thoughts that really feed on themselves are the ones where you get down on yourself when you have them. It is ok to be critical of yourself if you accept it and do something about it, it is dangerous to be critical of yourself for feeling critical of yourself. NOTE: if you get into meditation or mindfulness, I strongly recommend doing guided meditation to start. Doing it all on your own is nearly impossible.

Spoiler: too many words about how I do mindfulness

When you feel your mind wander or find yourself distracted, unsettled, or cognitively dissonant, take a breath and identify what is making that happen. When you are able to calmly admit you are feeling a certain way, or having a certain thought you get a calm perspective that lets you release the dissonance and move on. It may be the case that your thought is "I am f'ing frustrated I can't identify what is making me feel unsettled!" This comes up for me a lot at work (I am a trial attorney, and deal regularly with soaring triumph, crushing defeat, and f'ing anger). This can be adapted to all kinds of situations.

Here is how I do it, which works for me even though its pretty cheesy. I say to myself:

• I am angry I didn't get exactly what I wanted at the f'ing hearing yesterday even though I know the judge probably did the right thing;
• I am equally frustrated cannot refocus right now, and I know I need to be drafting that brief due at the end of the week, but instead I am doling out life advice on the headphone forum I frequent;
• I am anxious that I have a shit load of other work
• It is ok to feel angry because I argued for something, but did not get what I was asking for, even though I worked hard to try and get it;
• It is ok to feel frustrated, listless, and unfocused due to the anger of not getting what I wanted;
• It is ok to feel anxiety about being unable to focus on the work, which must be done for me to a) get paid, and b) succeed, get better, etc.
• Anger, Frustration, and Anxiety are a part of life;
• May I be kind to myself, and show myself the patience I deserve as I acknowledge these feelings.\

Or, in more chaotic moments:

• f**k, I am mad as shit!
• I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY I AM SO f'ing MAD!!
• I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT TO TRY THIS f'ing MINDFULNESS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW!!!
• IT WON'T f'ing HELP ME GIVEN HOW MAD AND CONFLICTED I f'ing FEEL;
  
• I AM MAD!
• I AM f'ing CONFLICTED!
• I FEEL LIKE A f'ing IDIOT!
• THIS IS EMBARASSING!
• goddamnit;
• anger, internal conflict, and embarrassment are part of life;
• I hate that this actually just f'ing worked, and I still don't know why I'm so f'ing mad...;
• the above is also a part of life;
• it is ok to feel these things;
• may I be kind to myself, and show myself the patience I deserve, goddamnit.

Then I let that acknowledgment just sit for a bit. It relaxes my mind. It lets me put down the feelings I was carrying to my detriment. I then focus on anything that is not my thoughts/feelings/etc, something like the sound of the air coming from the vent above me, or the rhythm of my breathing, and then I open my eyes and turn my attention on anything that is work related and let it fill my (now available) attention.

After doing this enough, I begin to set aside the things that deserve contemplation, and intentionally meditate on them during time I have set aside for that activity. It is not a lot of time, maybe 10 minutes a day. Although honestly, focused contemplation about something specific is rarely needed. Just by doing a little bit of mindfulness/meditation every day I am more able to cope with shit on the fly. Sometimes the meditation is about nothing at all, and that is just as helpful.

For me meditation is about admitting that contentment is unreachable as a constant state. Zen is not a constant, it is non-stop, non-linear motion. Things will always be upsetting, and if you wish to achieve anything you will be faced with defeat and disappointment. Such is the dry penetration of life. You are not constant, and your goals, insecurities, and emotions are also not constant. These will always be changing. Acknoweldge your defeats, think only on how to improve, and move on.

 

Marv has it right here, mindfulness is less Dr Oz psych stuff and mostly a form of discipline. Tough instruction molds excellence into a habit, and conditions you to handle pressure. Getting things right is less about being brilliant and more about ironing out small mistakes (which seem to be what are tying you up).

After finally moving Stateside for college I've noticed this deficiency is pretty common among the kids here. They aren't necessarily dumb, but are often really sloppy, especially with fundamental skills (writing technique, math/geometry, logic). Being self-aware is a good first step, the next would probably be to learn to take errors in your stride and conscientiously correct them instead of going into an existential crisis (a coach helps).

 

Ryu mate... I'm not going to offer any wise advice from my 45 years on this planet, but I can tell you this... At the age of 20 I didn't know my arse from my elbow. I'm pretty sure none of my friends did either. Don't be too hard on yourself. Be mindful of the future, but enjoy today.

 

If you can take just on thing from this Ryu....The experience expressed here is learned the hard way....It a part of the human condition that we can't teach experience, just how we got through the other side....... But regardless of how hard that was for each person....We are all here trying to help.. on the other side....In a few short years that wisdom will be yours to share and help someone like your good self....

We all fail and f**k up ..me every five minutes.... You let friends and families mistakes slide... make allowances . .... Remember to include yourself everyonce and a while....
As I said you're normal and asking the right questions. .. many don't. ...
Keep up the good worK mate..
Dave

 

I wholeheartedly agree with @sphinxvc on reading Palahniuk's brilliant Fight Club. As Tyler Durden says, "Self improvement is masturbation."
In all seriousness, I believe all universities offer free or very inexpensive counseling and mental health services. Seeking advice here is a great start, but I would strongly urge you to seek in-person help about the feelings you are having. Your feelings are normal and everyone has them. The difference all comes down to how you sort them out and your support system. If you are able to, I would talk to your family and close friends. If you find things don't improve getting help from professionals at your college is a great next step.

 

+1

 

Hey,

Some good advice to choose from here. Finding out what works often involves running experiments to see what fits uniquely to you. Haven't you done this with your audio equipment quite succesfully? Examining life involves some of the same skills - being able to shift perspective from micro to macro, from personal to social, from component to the entire chain and in the process, learning what perspectives you are strong at and those that you need to work at.
Good Luck!

 

It's pretty hilarious when studios make Western types speak Russian: They just can't pull it off...
This said, I do appreciate Hollywood trying to make an effort towards linguistic authenticity. It's cool for a majority of viewers, even when natives will find it grating. So much stuff in movies is so removed from reality (e.g. playing back real gunshots would be way more loud than it usually is in movies, or a gun shot in distance would take a couple of seconds before the sound should be heard by the viewer), that a poor accent here and there isn't really what destroys the pseudo-reality displayed in movies...

 

I have some similarities to your friend. A lot of people I have met throughout my life tend to look at me and see me doing big things, but I am a very simple person. And I do indeed have many assets as a person. I know this about myself because I am always working to improve the things in my life that matter most to me. I don't have it all, but I always either have enough already or I'm on my way there. I don't really sweat stuff, big or small. I do my best to stay focused and not get caught up in the outcomes. It's a big ol whirl out there, my friend.

It doesn't take much for me to be happy. I have a decent dead-end job running a store, a modest, but comfortable home, a loving family, a few nice things, passion for my interests, and the best girlfriend ever. Nothing else really matters to me. I'm not here to make something of myself... ...I'm just here to see what I can see, learn what I can learn, and do what I can do. I can safely say I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life at the ripe age of 26. Some days I wake up and have to remind myself that this is for real. I could do so much more, but that involves compromises that aren't worth it. Too much "do," not enough "see" or "learn."

And that's the thing. In anything you pursue, there are always compromises. And if you're not paying enough attention to your emotions, you'll make the wrong ones. Sometimes, you have to have a serious sit-down with yourself and ask what its all really for, yanno? And if you can't answer that, you've got some work/exploring to do.

Allow your behavior to shape your emotions. Identify what behaviors result in outcomes that put you in a better place emotionally. It's something you have to actively hone through disciplined mindfulness of your actions. Over the next few years, you're going to calm down and things are going to start making more sense. You'll become more impartial. You can get there sooner if you start cultivating this mindset sooner.

All I can really say is that everything looks smaller in the rear view mirror. Making peace with the fact that you are human and will make mistakes is an ongoing process for everyone. But you'll never know what you can achieve if you don't take some risks. Life is much easier when you simply accept the fact that the chances of success are always slim. It takes the focus off of the outcome and puts it all on your actions. When you want something, simply look at what you can do and do that. It doesn't matter if you ever get there. You just have to do it so you can live with yourself. Better to be trying for something you really want than settle for something you don't. The former at least implies that you have something to live for, while the latter simply leaves you with something to live with.

I'll take a 10% chance over a 0% one with no regrets. When you take chances at being happy, you earn the right to be at peace with yourself... ...if only because you wanted something and you acted to the best of your abilities. Sometimes things do not go how you want them to. Other times they go better than you imagined. Sometimes all that you want and need is right in front of you. Only one way to know for sure.

Just live your life as consciously as you can. Always try to make the best decisions of those available to you. Take your time with it. Life is f'ing long when you're still in your twenties. Whatever you have in life... ...whatever assets/deficits you have as a person are irrelevant if you're not acting to embody your ideals. Figure out what your values are and dedicate yourself to them. Once you know it, there's no effort involved. You make the only choices you can make... ...the choices only you can make. No matter what happens, you will be sure to grow because of that. To live your life is to constantly grow and change. It's going to happen, no matter what you try to do or avoid doing.

The realest advice I can give you is be receptive to love. Try to love yourself every day. I think I told you this before, but be patient and honest with yourself. It's not about what you achieve, but rather what you shoot for and why. Take the time to figure out where you want to be and why you do the things you do. If you're on the right path, you can always love yourself, no matter what happens. Just follow your dreams and listen to your heart.

If you're lucky, you'll meet someone who accepts and admires you for that. I think that was the best thing I have ever done... ...I allowed myself to fall in love with someone like that. Now, I have someone in my life who makes me feel lucky to be alive every day. When we're together, nothing matters. We can spend days and days together, accomplishing nothing. Everything is better when you have someone to waste your life with.