The Funny/LOL Thread

This is our first step (shh, don't tell anyone):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whisky_War

 

Still the best letter ever.

 

I’ve always said it’s the small, young blondes that wear you out ha ha.

 

A little while ago, I mentioned I was holding a fundraiser for very sick kids like my beautiful niece Alana who is stricken with Tuberous Sclerosis. It was last Saturday night and was a great success; we raised $25,000.00 which will go directly to families in need.

I came out of retirement to open the show with a new set. I was a little anxious as I have not done a gig for quite a while and it was new material, but luckily they were a very kind crowd. Here it is, if you are at all interested.

(Please note as reference that after his defeat at the recent election it was found our last Prime Minister, Scott Morrison had, had himself secretly sworn in to an extra 5 portfolios without even telling the actual Ministers of those portfolios.)



Aussie Aussie Aussie (Audience Oi Oi Oi)

Aussie Aussie Aussie (Audience Oi Oi Oi)

Aussie (Audience OI!)

Okay, that’s enough of that shit. I can’t stand all that smug patriotism. What about the Commonwealth games, where we beat the Scots at swimming? Everyone was going nuts. Now, don’t get me wrong I like our swimming team as much as the next guy but newsflash folks; beating Scotland at swimming is like getting laid on ‘Love Island’ – it’s not that hard and it’s definitely nothing to cheer about.


Another show that annoys me is Australian Ninja Warrior. Waste of words; pure tautology. A Ninja by definition is a warrior. It’s like having a show called Australian Masterchef Cook, or Vladimir Putin Cockhead – where the first two words are completely unnecessary.


I am at the perfect age to be a grumpy old man. I have hit the sweet spot. If I am on the bus and you young people don’t offer me a seat, I’m pissed off. But if you do offer me a seat – I’m furious How dare you?!


What really gets up my nose though is the kids that travel for free and just pretend they can’t see you. What, I’m invisible now as well as old? I got on the 309 at Mascot the other day and there’s this school kid, sees me and looks straight away out the window. Well, I had shopping, sore feet; normally I wouldn’t worry, but I was in pain and I grabbed this kid by the scruff of the neck pulled him out of the seat, put him in the aisle and I sat down! Well. Didn’t he get a shock. Mind you, at that stage there was just me, him and the driver on the bus – but that was the seat I wanted! You’ve got to have boundaries with these little shit heads.


The other day I was on the train and this guy comes up to me. Scruffy, tattoos; he says ’hey mate, are you reading that paper you’re sitting on?’

I sat as a matter of fact I am, and I got up turned the page and sat down again! Had I been a smart ass, I’d have sat on the crosswords.


Now obviously none here is averse to charity and I will always give money to homeless people and those that need it. But I can’t stand these people that approach you in the mall and want to shake your hand and sign you up for life. What I hate even more is that fact that they use good looking young girls, clearly to con old fools like me. So, the other day I come out of Aldi at Eastgardens and this girl comes running toward me. She’s got the boobs, blonde hair, big white teeth. She says ‘you look friendly’. I told her – you’re an appalling judge of character and kept going.


Has anyone noticed how inappropriately jolly butchers are? I went to the butchers around in Botany Road the other day. I walk in and the butchers like GOOD DAY MATE!!! WHAT ARE YOU AFTER? I said give me a kilo of T-bones, a kilo of rump, a kilo of mince, some neck, some kidney. The butcher says HAVING A BARBECUE??? I say no, I’m building a cow. Not so jolly when they think there is a psycho at the counter.


The weather annoys me too. Not so much the weather itself but the reporting of it. Every night Belinda comes out on Channel 10; ‘here’s a look at todays weather’. I don’t want a look at today’s weather – I was there! “We had showers’ – I know! I forgot my umbrella, I got pissed on. I don’t need today’s weather; it’s like having your meal at a restaurant and then the dude tells you what you just ate.


I am actually grateful to be my age. The young people these days send each other fairly explicit photos. They call them dick pics. Now, all my life I am one of those people that, whenever sending a text or an email, I always forget the attachment. You would be halfway through a torrid texting session with me and suddenly get – oop’s I forgot my dick. Bit of a mood killer.


So, the Prime Minister was on the Today show this morning. He said ‘we’ve turned the corner on the pandemic. We’ve turned the corner on unemployment and we’ve turned the corner on cost of living’. Now even an old fool like me knows; when you’ve turned three corners, you are back where you started! Then he starts talking about the inroads they have made on crime. Ha ha ha, folks, I grew up in Bankstown where you don’t have neighbours; you have witnesses. You can jog for 10 minutes and not leave the scene of a crime. The postman bites the dog. We were very poor and, in an effort to save money, I used to buy all our clothes from the army disposal store. Have you any idea what it’s like going to school at Bankstown Boy’s High dressed as a Japanese admiral?? This school was no picnic either! On the way in they would search you for a gun or a knife – and if you didn’t have any, they would give you one. Our school motto was retaliate first! We studied all the classics – Romeo and Sue, Pride and Racial Prejudice, Much Ado about f**k all and of course No Expectations. We played a private school at football one time and they knew they were in trouble. Half time, they had oranges and we sacrificed a goat.


It's easy to get arrested in Bankstown; you only have to have an IQ of double figures and you are a suspect. The cops seen me reading a book and followed me, then I finished the Wordle in 3 goes and they pounced. One of the cops called me a smart ass. I said mate; you’re in the wrong joke, that was 10 minutes ago on a train!


Okay that’s enough from me. Thank you all for being here. There is one small problem. I know I promised you 5 of the best comics in the country, but none of them have been able to make. But don’t worry – I’ve got Scott Morrison!

The day after we celebrated Alana's 19th birthday. So long as she has something in her ear, something to look at (Dirt Girl World usually) and several thing available to touch she is in heaven. Such a precious girl.

 

You're a funny man with a big heart @Rob the Comic
In response I was trying to think of something short and witty, but all I could come up with was Bill Oddie.

 

Charity Canvassers.

So, if you run up to her in the street and say, "You look sexy!" What happens then? Or are you not that fond of knees in the balls .

Good stuff, Rob. Good cause too.

 

That is some seriously funny stuff--and the best part is that it's for a great cause. Kudos! People say comedy is all about anger...but sometimes it's about love.

My favorite line: "We played a private school at football one time and they knew they were in trouble. Half time, they had oranges and we sacrificed a goat."

 

Thank you for the kind and generous reactions fellas.

 

"I told you to turn your ******* phone OFF!"

 

Note-to-Self: write screenplay for dark horror film in which the evil lead character assaults people with "gender neutral candy" (whatever that is).

 

That's easy...no nuts.

 

Coroner stands over Pharmaboy's corpse: "The cause of death was cheap quipping."

 

"Huh?" - Scooby Dooby Doo