The Funny/LOL Thread

The only thing that belongs under the floorboards is "The Telltale Heart"

(Paging Edgar Allen Poe. You have a call on white courtesy phone")

 

Not forgetting 'A Song' (paging Howard DeVoto).

@Chris Cables , call me churlish but I'm not finding your contributions to this thread particularly funny. I'm sure you can amuse me better.

 

On the spot single-liner...

We had an office bookshelf, that had been cobbled together by the company handyman (who was not, actually, very handy). One day, it collapsed.

Colleague looked up and remarked: "Limited shelf life."

 

You know, there's a few of us who categorically do NOT buy in to the whole WOKE agenda/movement. I therefore reserve the right to ridicule and make fun of it at my discretion.
Funny how you liked my last post here.... ?
lighten up buddy. life's too short

 

Too short to tell people jokes they don't find funny? Best you get to know your audience. It's always the audience who decides. And even then, some you win, some you lose...

And... WTF was that about floorboards?

 

By equating non-straight people with Nazis? Yep, ridiculously funny. I'm sure the non-straight people who ended up in Nazi concentration camps would laugh, too.

 

Wrong thread for fighting. This thread is a refuge. Please respect that.

 

This is Christoph Waltz playing an SS man in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds (without the coloured hair and rainbow flags in the original, of course). I don’t remember the scene exactly, but there was something about Jews hidden under the floorboards that were later uncovered and then shot on the run, I think.

 

Ditto. Using 'woke' as an insult aside, the idea that kids were tougher in 1975 because they rode around in the back of trucks is surely hilarious, right?

No, wait, that's not right. They died. Hi-lar-i-ous. Yeah, kids today are so privileged, with the not dying in car accidents.

 

Many years ago I had a job where I drove all over, talking to small business owners about their hiring practices. One extremely hot August day I called on the owner of a small ice cream factory. I half expected the place to be freezing cold inside, but it was beastly hot. Then it got really strange.

The owner was reciting his (often-recited) opinion about the young people he hired and found completely lacking per his standards. He told me he'd proudly served in the Korean war and had been shot in the leg by a sniper. He said being shot in the leg was the best thing that ever happened to him (despite the limp), because, "It made me serious about life. I stopped f'ing around and started working for my living."

Naturally, it didn't stop there. He continued, "I wish all these young people today could get shot in the leg, just like I did. The world would be better place for it."

I walked out thinking, "Too bad you weren't shot in the head. The world would definitely be a better place for that."

 

Paging Rob to get this thread on track again.

 

OK, I'll try:

A housefly goes into a diner and sits down. The waitress brings him a menu and say, "Would you like to hear our specials?"

He replies, "I already know what I want--a bowl of shit with sliced onions on top."

"Ewwww," she says. "That's disgustting."

"Not at all," He replies. "I'm a housefly. Shit is what we eat."

So she brings him a bowl of shit with sliced onions on top. He eats with gusto and pays, leaving a big tip.

Weeks go by and the fly becomes a regular, ordering the same thing every day.

One day the fly comes in and sits at his usual spot. The waitress comes over and says, "Let me guess: a bowl of shit with sliced onions on top."

He shakes his head. "Just bring the me a bowl of shit, but hold the onions. I gotta hot date tonight."

 

Maybe the mods can move some of the last page to a more appropriate place like the politically incorrect thread? I'd love to respond, but don't want to further derail this thread

 

There was a guy, in recent years, who thought that covering his face with invisible ink might work. It didn't.

 

For that kind of work you need a full on cloak of invisibility or maybe even a ring. You can’t trust wizards.

 

I can buy these things on diablo 4, right?

 

My new friend Frank is pretty dang funny.

 

I love cats & have since childhood. The same thing happens now that happened then: I look into a cat's eyes & have no idea whatsoever what's going on in there. And for some reason, I like that....