ESSAY CONTEST: Win a JDS Labs The Element

Dibs on Question Number 6!

EDIT: If I win I'll give the Element away to someone else on here, preferably a Friend in need. My rig has no place for it. I'm happy to just contribute something entertaining.

 

Haha, I could probably write #9 about the HD6x0 about four times...

 

"You don't get to the top by listening to inferior headphones."

The name's George Utah Benson, and everything I do is in the pursuit of perfect sound. Everything else, the drug running, the contract killing, the harvesting of organs for the black market, that's all done just to fund my true passion: Audiophilia. And as you well know dear reader, when it comes to audio, there's only one rule: Keep it expensive.

You wouldn't buy a car for under $300,000, would you? Of course not. You're not a loser. Neither is George Utah Benson! No sir, I refuse to let anything that costs less than $1,000 US touch my sainted ears. Let me tell you, I've got ears like you wouldn't believe! They're big, really big, and they hear like nobody's business. That's how I got my nickname, "The Ear"! Well, mostly I got it because of that time I cut off someone's ear, but can you blame me? They had just put on an HD600! God, I can barely say the word. I see this putz putting on a clearly inferior headphone (no euphonics, famously sucked out vocals, cheesy kitchen counter-themes plastic construction, harsh clamp, and not even planar magnetic drivers!), and he has the audacity to start bobbing his head in time to the music he was listening to! Can you believe it? The unmitigated gall! The sheer nerve of this Judas! So yeah, I chopped his ear off, just grabbed the nearest sharp object (which happened to be the plug of my unbeatable TH-900 that I had sharpened into a shiv for occasions just such as this) and lopped it right off.

No one is going to enjoy inferior headphones in my presence, no one!

I'm surrounded by fools on a daily basis. They think I can't see how they hide their cheap headsets when I come into the room. HE-400i's, Grados, you name it. They think I don't see it, but I do. You don't survive long in my business without being perceptive. I'm so perceptive, it's disgusting. That's how I got my nickname, "The All-Seeing Eye", because I never miss a trick. Well, that and the fact that I have a scale model of the Tower of Sauron on my desk, but mostly because I don't miss a trick. I can tell the good from the bad, separate the wheat from the chaff, the beautiful planar magnetics from the disgusting, outdated, inferior dynamics.

Let me tell you, dear reader, I have one sweet life. A new woman every day (I dump them every night when they refuse to acknowledge the brilliance of the unimpeachable TH-900, unable to comprehend the true luxury of it, with its exotic wood cups lovingly lacquered by the indigenous peoples of Timbuktu, its silky soft protein leather pads), people who listen enraptured when I dispense endless pearls of audio wisdom (because they know I'll gut them like fishes if they don't), and nothing but the sweet velvety touch of $1,000+ headphones touching my super ears. Folks, it don't get no better than this.

But faithful followers, let me tell you, my life isn't perfect. Sure, it looks that way at first glance. I can see the incredulity in your eyes as I tell you this. "This makes no sense," you say, your tongue lolling out of your mouth, "You're George Utah Benson! You have it all! How could your life be less than perfect?" Well I'll tell you. I've got a pirate problem. No, not Jack Sparrow pirates, not Somali pirates, but internet pirates! Yes, you heard me right, internet pirates who refuse to acknowledge my mastery of all things audio!

I can see the surprise in your face. I understand completely. How could anyone not appreciate the deep wells of knowledge I have accrued after a lifetime of listening to nothing but the finest, most expensive audio gear? How could anyone mistake my authoritative tone and confident declarations that brook no argument or discussion as anything but the one true audio gospel? It was a surprise to me as well. I've never gotten this sort of reaction before, not from anyone I talked to face to face. Maybe it had something to do with the constant threats I made against their lives and the lives of their children if they disagreed with me? No, no, that couldn't be it. Like I told you, I'm perceptive, and I could tell people genuinely appreciate my perfect advice.

But these pirates, well, they don't understand how big of a deal I am. They probably don't realize who I am, I didn't use my full name with them. Just a few pertinent letters that I thought would get the message across as to who they were dealing with. Well I'll show them, I'll show them all! I'll come to their homes and rip all their dirty, inferior headphones right off their dirty inferior heads and I will make them listen! They will hear the superiority of the master technology, planar magnetic drivers! They will listen or I will feed them to my pigs!

Like I said, I have the best life, with the best, most expensive audio gear. They'll listen to me eventually, one way or another. Because I'm right, I know I'm right, and nothing anyone says or does could possibly change that. I'm George Utah Benson!

 

The

 

Come on @BioniclePhile, let me have my fun!

 

I'd listen to it but probably wouldn't keep it, I also wanted to contribute something entertaining and blow off some steam. Whether I win or not is immaterial.

 

WARNING: PUBESCENT HUMOR, NOT FOR EVERYONE, Very large liberties are taken with the facts. I took out all the stops relating to stupidity in my head.

THE PLAN

“I’m.m.mm sorry my lord emperor” Felix Faerman stuttered out, in a whisper he hoped contained 5% second order harmonic distortion. “I failed to bring down the SBAF. I tried my best my lord, I tried to take over those StillHart-ian group of sycophants. But they did not consider my knowledge of tubes no one give a shit about worthy of “Hive Mind Thought Leader” status.”

“As tubey and luscious your voice may be, failure is still unacceptable”. Emperor Jude drawled as he lazily opened an eye. “You might have had a chance if it was 8% second harmonic distortion by the way. Come here, you know what to do” and he slips off the bath robe made of Fang Bian's luscious locks and other furry bits (dude was SURPRISINGLY hairy, especially for an Asian.). The robe was tastefully stamped the words “33% of Sales”

Felix felt his heart drop as he slowly walked towards the nubile body of the emperor. “f**k, I knew I should have used the 300B voice mod instead of the 445. As he drew closer to the emperor, he saw it.

The Silver Gold Mundurf oil-cum covered bodies of Anaxilus and Judeus. He tried to hide his horror as he reached out towards the emperor’s lifestick with a trembling hand. “Just think of them as Telefunken ECC88 Gold pins” He thought as he slowly placed the similarly sized apparatus in his mouth, and started making oral movements similar to that of plugging and unplugging a tube repeatedly.

Despite the predicament he is currently in, Felix could not help but sneak a look at the two bodies behind him.

“Curious are you?” Emperor Jude asked, before answering his own question like he normally does. “They were the two other spies I send to take down SBAF or as they were previously known ‘Changstar’.

“The first, Anax. was the most successful. He was sent with top secret information concerning HD800 mods and was successful in obtaining a “Thought Leader” position. However, his experimentation's with the HD800 6khz peaks ended up with him being semi-deaf and unable to tell the difference between an Antelope Zodiac and Yggdrasil consistently and thus falling into insanity at his world collapsing to the knowledge that Dacs don’t make that much of a difference”

“As if that is not bad enough, his highly sophisticated mod was the quickly displaced by butt plugs made by a Frenchman from disposed wine bottle corks. Connard branleur!!”

“The second, I decided to attack a more indirect source. He was charged to bankrupt EC by having them give free repairs and shipping. We know how that went, and of all the items, he chooses of the cheapest item. His death was not necessary, but I would have enjoyed it and thus there he lies.”

Matching the rhythm of his mouth, Felix's mind swung into overdrive in an attempt to save itself. “ I have *gulp* an idea *gulp* my lord *gulp*”

“What is it, and faster, i'm almost there”

“Remember *gulp* the *gulp* guy *gulp* who *Aaahhh* made the *licks* HD700 listenable?”

“Continue?”

“With his mod, he has almost gained enough ear-cred to be a thought leader, however, I know he is unhappy with the leadership.”

“In what way”

“His profile picture is off by a couple pixels and he’s mad that it’s not changed yet”

“Interesting, I suppose that bit have earned you some reprieve. What’s his name?”

“Takato”

“Leave me to think” And the emperor reclined on his chair before shouting, “DAN, bring me my towels, and i mean the nano thickness electrostatic ones!!”

 

CONUS. AK, HI, PR, Canada, EU, AUS must pay for shipping

f**k youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

 

For what is worth, I still browse Head-Fi and enjoy it.

(if I'm not banned yet, you can proceed to read the rest ↓)
Okay, my first high end headphones is Beyerdynamic T70 (250 Ohm). I still remembered it was the best ever I have owned then, and shortly after that Centrance Dacport LX came by. This combo made me feel good, because I paid everything for them. Retrospectively, I wasn't sure if I think they sound the best, but I thought it was the best on my budget.

Gradually I got other stuffs and I spent even more in these little stereo stuffs. How did I decide which to buy? Advice from local hobbyists, and reviews around the internet. That's when I encountered head-fi, as it became the library of my knowledge. I browsed head-fi like I browse wikipedia, jumping from page to page. Listening to people all around the world praising their grears, their combos, eager to share new setups and most of all, salivate at the hi-end stuffs. Things like T1 and HD800 are worshiped, and the STAX? They are unobtainium to us peons (read: college students). What we fool around mostly are the cheaper Fiios (i had some, but sold them right after that) and a few Ibassos. But boy we dream and dreamt hard that one day we would achieve the glorious hi-fi-dom (if there's ever such thing) with the god-gears.

Did I hear someone cringe?

Thinking back, it wasn't really head-fi's fault. I guess people naturally give good reviews on the stuffs they buy, especially since it's so expensive. Then there are new stuffs flooding in. Everyone suddenly claimed to be hi-end and the only judging tool available for us in this region is the price. The rule of thumb is, if someone on the internet says it's the best, and the price reflects that, well, it's the best. I seldom (or did I ever?) see any negative review on the new kids on the block (insert conspiracy theories here). Everything is sunshine and roses.

And then, fate had me stumbling across innerfidelity, which leads me to *ahem* nwavguy's blog. Wow! That's surely a supernova happening in my mind. What? Cables ain't worth a shit? I can't really discern between good amplifiers? Seriously? O2 is supposed to be the second coming? A quick search at a local audiophile forum led me to an assembler who made it for less than $100. I didn't spent too much time to hesitate and got one. So happy was I, thinking that I have reached the supposedly audio nirvana. THIS IS IT! I cried loudly like the little shepherd discovered his treasure chest.

Of course that wasn't it.

I got bored of it. My setup sounds a little harsh, but okay. After years of training from T70's treble, treble spike scares me no more. In fact, I am pretty used to treble peaks that at one point, everything else sounds dark to me (especially the HD650). Dark meant not detailed in my dictionary. It is not? Anyway, I didn't left the temple. I continued praying hard for signs, and a voice in my head told me T70 ain't gonna cut. I need to spend more on new stuffs. There are better things out there!

Guess what? I followed the voice. Sold the T70 and bought more things. Stretching as far as my pocket goes.

Like an alcoholic frequenting different bars each night, I jump from one gear to another, changing setup as what has been suggested in the forum. I was unhappy, definitely dissatisfied, and kept on wondering why others have found the sound they have wanted but not me. Everyone but me. I was frustrated. For some time, I stopped listening to my gears and only playing music through built-in car speakers and crappy 2.1. At that time, I was floating on the sea aimlessly, waiting for an imaginary harbor.

And then I hit the deck.

CS (and among others) put some sanity into my head and made me see things as what they are. People are actually criticizing gears over there! For the first time, I opened my eyes and realized the amount of craps on my body. No wonder that doesn't sound as good to my ears as what I read elsewhere. They ain't good enough compared to other stuffs. I studied the booty list, read it over and over. Most of all, I tried to understand what went wrong, how everyone define good sound, and what good gears are supposed to do.

You know what? I returned to the store and tried a demo T70. I put it down after 5 seconds and walked out with a contorted face.
I loved THAT?

4 years has passed since I joined this hobby. Lots have changed. I saw the shifts. New fads dying, new techs coming up. Products mushrooming at an exponential rate. Nevertheless, I realized the new stuffs ain't that much different from one another. Old shits are still standing strong, as they have rightfully earned a spot in the league of legends. Now CS is history, and head-fi is bigger than ever. But I'm very grateful that SBF is born to continue the ship. Someone has to be there to maintain some sanity when things got out of hand, you know, playing the devil's advocate. Of course, SBF isn't exactly CS. The culture, it has a slightly different feeling. Thinking back, it was a fun ride. I paid much, I lost even more. I learnt things, I move on. Head-fi? I really like there. Colorful world. Everyone looks truly enjoyed with the gears. But always be careful. Gotta read between the lines.

Confession: I don't really buy things as recommended here. A big reason is because stuffs suggested do not have a demo over here. I settled with a T1 and enjoyed it very much. And over time, I went from a boy pursuing details in the music to a guy who enjoys smoothness in the vocals. Don't mind sacrificing a little technicalities for tonality. So far T1 is quite enjoyable in that regard.

 

This is pretty good. I like this one the best so far. The tap dance was especially impressive.

Edit: I should add, all of the submissions so far have really been great. Creative, funny, insightful. I just thought this one had a certain je ne sais quoi.

 

@Tari should be allowed to post an essay simply because.

 

Presented to you in it's original glory... (this was surprisingly difficult to do...)




Ekzerp fumde Shvedishiffs Curkey Burkey



E weshewee wan etu de Shvedishiff. Urt a beer abo eba ballin urna hurda tames er e werkin aba shu shiff Germy Oofliber. Werntin ter herpim ert, e bert shum effi pershini effinis. Kurshevy, amurbem wer er besippy fer "Na Erdio Frum." Mer ackderberby, der besippy wer titties "A Colloquial of Gentlemanly Observations", werk, inna he pertiperby der a Shvedish, meeny "Turky Plis fury Loonies Hur Spindy Ders Loonchy Moonchies Erna Mersy". Terkawerky, "Erdio Frum" adda oosa herm sa meroma pursafree danna sicky turnaleden.

Ernagreenimeeners:
Unta meeti cuppa mernicurly merniburlies
Unta meeti cuppa lookamooky lookadookies
Hoofa Unta meeti cuppa tannabooly twats
Toonty meeti cuppa tannabooly twattagoolies
Ternaherna gamma moora moodies
Ternaherna gamma cooda coobies
Derba teebies turry teekies
Derba teebies inda inkies
Unta teensies auda addies (adda mura meeky steenky)
Unta mooly beeny boogies

Gernty shvift der merniburlies e loops beferin swoo urda da twats...

 

Audiophillia

f'ing headphones? Is that even legal?

(Now all I need is another 994 words...)

 

Unlike the purpleheart dildo, I am unwilling to google search this particular need...

 

Music appreciation / music as a tangible object rant

In today’s world of digital music, either streaming or stored on a hard drive, it is easy to take music for granted. Many of us value the size of digital collections (of albums we’ve listened to once or twice - if at all), but not the actual value of its content. Having terabytes of information being only a mouse click away is commonplace, but ultimately a dangerous thing. My Jriver music player says that I have 495 hours of lossless music stored, enough to play a new song for three weeks straight. While I briefly enjoyed growing this collection as quickly as possible, I probably enjoyed music more as a kid with a modest collection of 50 or so CDs. I believe we (as a society) have misplaced our value of music as a physical object in today’s digital age.

Becoming old enough to really desire my own music I had to save up enough money to acquire cassette tapes and then CDs. I remember the joy of holding my new purchase in my hand and being excited to hear my favorite tunes from the radio at my disposal. Records, cassettes, and cd’s all were an important part of my youth. Studying every square inch of the liner notes, knowing all the members of the bands names, lyrics, and even mundane “thank you”s were part of the process that brought you closer to the artist and what they were trying to convey through their album. Looking at the album artwork as I listened helped stimulate all the senses. I do not miss the cassette tapes and CDs, I’ve probably downloaded anything of any significance, but something is lost. Downloading at a couple clicks is a very impersonal way to acquire something of such significance. It does not feel the same.

Part of what makes digital music less involving to me is the ability to multitask to the point of distraction. Listening at a computer while reading forums, catching up with emails, working, etc mentally removes the listener from a full experience. I often find myself completely unaware of what is coming through my headphones. Listening on a phone or a DAP can be a very enjoyable experience, but the distractions are many. While it is incredibly convenient to have our music library with us everywhere we go, it diminishes the significance of its importance.

There is a remedy to the situation above, I have found a cure. Digital enthusiasts will roll their eyes, but the tried and true vinyl record has brought this joy back into my life. I forgot the joy of walking out of the music store holding something going home, unpackaging, and putting it on to play and it exceeding expectations. I forgot what it was like to see the album artwork, read about the artist, the recording, their thought process, etc. To get a glimpse into the musician’s vision, how they worked and shaped information into a 12” x 12” cardboard sleeve. This is seen as a draw back for many, but having to get up and flip a record every 30 min or so helps keep the listener involved and focused on the experience. The bonus for me is that vinyl sounds better - It draws me in, is more intimate, more dynamic range, insert all the record vs. digital clichés. Vinyl has put jumper cables onto my brain and awakened my ability to hear music.

Vinyl isn’t the only remedy. Setting aside time to listen without distractions is key. Don’t be satisfied with the 1” square of album artwork on the media player. Take time to investigate what when into a recording. Get more involved, the music will sound better and the whole experience will be heightened.

The purpose of this essay isn’t to say digital music sucks, sell your DACs and spdif converters / analog or bust (I will leave that for Purrin and Shiazada ). Digital music has an important place in my life and I use it every day. I stream Tidal throughout my house on a couple of sonos boxes (pitchforks), and really get to enjoy a lot of music through a Gungnir Multibit. But remembering to appreciate the value of what I have at my fingertips, either in the physical analog world or the vast digital universe, has brought me more joy in my listening experiences than ever.