ESSAY CONTEST: Win a JDS Labs The Element

"A Journey of the Soul"


It started with an idea. I wanted to get an edge in my stupid shooter video games without actually cheating. It progressed to realizing that I will always suck at video games and wanted to learn more about music. It ended with an empty wallet and a heart and mind full of happiness and bliss.

Learning that there is more than just hearing footsteps in shooter games took me aback. I actually have to learn to "git gud" and understand the mechanics of a game? Unacceptable. I spent all my allowance and birthday money on these stupid ass Turtle Beaches and what do I have to show for it? Regret. One day while perusing the internet in search of ways to steal more music illegally I stumbled upon a website, hidden from the public eye, behind a mystifying home page that peaks your curiosity. http://www.what.cd I have to find out how to get here. To this promised land of music. This is where the journey truely begins.

I study for the entrance exam. I learn about IRC and how music isn't just music. It's a track of information that is composed in different ways. Everything doesn't really sound the same. Who knew that MP3 stood for MPEG-1 or MPEG-2 Audio Layer III or that there was such a thing as lossy and lossless forms of music? Who even thinks of this shit and how would you even go about inventing a codec? Let me tell you, this is probably the most eye opening and informative experience I've had in my short lifetime. Understanding that music isn't something that you just hear and learning that it's actually something with minuet detail and rhythm. To be able to comprehend sound was something that never even occurred to me, let alone comprehending good sound.

I became obsessed. I devoured FLAC and praised it like a god I never knew existed. I spent so many hours pouring over my entire music collection and replacing it with the real deal. I learned that you can't just put your ear buds in and go. You have to stop and smell the musical flowers.

This is where the craving began to take control. My airport bought Bose noise canceling headphones just weren't cutting it. They weren't filling that void I was missing of TRUE audio bliss. I knuckled down and researched again. I learned about how electricity flows over wire and how there is resistance when this happens. I learned all about how you need to transform the digital sound from your source into an analogue signal to allow your headphones to understand what it is. It was like learning how a computer worked for the first time and discovering the joy of playing video games. I was hooked. I read reviews. No wait, I absorbed reviews. I learned about these interesting communities called Changstar, InnerFidelity, and Head-Fi. I found more people like me. People who understand that music is a cure for the wounded heart and that understanding music is important. Sometimes at night I dream about being one of the guys. Being a well renowned community member like Purrin and Bill-P and Tyll. These kind people listened to my inexperienced words and translated them into physical items. They guided me into the realm of understanding how to read frequency response graphs and understanding why sounds are bright and treble is something you absolutely love or incredibly despise. I was taught that it's not about how much money you spend on great equipment or not so great equipment. It's really all about what you love and enjoy. It's about that beautiful synergy in chain of equipment. Whether it's just a simple pair of Koss Porta Pros and a Sansa Clip or the engineering masterpiece that is the Sennheiser Orpheus. This lifestyle choice is about what YOU enjoy and not about what people endorsed by companies are paid to say.

People tell you to read reviews and to research what you are getting into. You could have a PhD in Biochemical Space Engineering and be the best researcher in the known universe but all of that doesn't matter because this lifestyle choice is about sound. You have to hear the items you purchase and experience it yourself to truly comprehend what this essay is all about. This is where the community truly shines. When someone says "Hey, I have some free time and a place for a bunch of people to hangout at" that is the potential road to enlightenment. You get together with a bunch of senile old farts who have to much time and money on their hands and listen to their pride and joy. You talk with them and take in their experience. You feel their emotions through their equipment and go through this journey of pure realization, Audio Bliss if you will. These moments of Audio Bliss are what makes this choice so rewarding. When you find out a friend of yours is curious about the lifestyle and wants to test the waters, your eyes light up and a smile creeps across your face. The moment when they test out your amazing gear and their eyes widen to giant circles is what we live for. To see those newbies go through that same path that you walked and watch them stumble around in Mid-fi purgatory is the waves of nostalgia that we crave. Having the opportunity to pass on this lifestyle to someone else is what we live for. So thank you. Thanks to this community. Thanks to the dude who came up with MP3 and the dude who developed those codecs. Thanks for the people who write great music and those people who produce it at an amazing level. Last but not least, thanks for reading this wall of emotional text and following me on my journey to the place that I am in today. Oh hey, this essay is exactly one thousand words.

 

I'll take a stab at #1

From the Massdrop site:

The Fostex TH-X00 Purpleheart now comes with a detachable penis! For many, this may be their first excursion into wooden toys. However, at such an affordable price, everybody can give this Purpleheart a spin--and they definitely should--if only to own something so well crafted.

Purpleheart wood occupies sort of a middle space in hardness between glass and silicone, and the texture on this detachable piece is ripply enough to be perceptibly interesting. What may be its best feature though is its incredibly light weight: it is only a few ounces, so it does not add much to the weight of the headphone yet it exponentiates the enjoyment.

Two lucky winners will get a special edition HD800P.
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TOP-SECRET GOVERNMENT HEADPHONE PROJECT EXPOSED

What if you were told that the perfect headphones have existed since the 1950's? What you are about to learn is something that the government and very powerful elites don't want you to know. During the second world war, many technological advances were made as part of the effort to preserve the freedom of the world. One such endeavor that began during the war, but would see its completion in the following decade, was code-named project Stormcrow. Project Stormcrow began its life as a pursuit of the ultimate tool for sonar and surveillance listening technology. After all, spending millions to develop the most sensitive listening devices ever designed means little if you do not have an equally as advanced device with which to reproduce the captured sounds. The lead scientists for project Stormcrow drew their inspiration from designs originally devised by Nikola Tesla, and immediately seized after his death. It is assumed by many that this technology must be electrostatic in nature, but because the original concept was created in the latter part of Tesla's life it is possible that its mechanism is much more exotic and esoteric.

When the development of nuclear technology ended WW2 in 1945, project Stormcrow pressed on into the next decade to perfect the listening tool that would be vital to winning the ever developing cold war with the Soviets. In the mid 1950's the R&D group spearheading the project completed their task of developing a perfect listing device and ushered in a new age. Cloaked in secrecy, the headphones developed by project Stormcrow are capable of reproducing truly life like playback that coveys a completely natural sense of space and breathtaking range in both dynamics and frequency. They have been used in various intelligence roles, but always in secure locations that protect the valuable technology from prying eyes. Whitehouse sources indicate that a working model is with the President of the United States at all times inside of the same case that houses the nuclear football. It is deemed that his correspondence regarding nuclear codes is of the highest national security therefor he must have the most accurate, high-spec tools possible.

If these perfected headphones have existed for over half a century, than why have they gone unnoticed for so many years? The truth about what project Stormcrow developed has been suppressed under the pretense of national security, but bits and pieces of the technology has been leaked, and even implemented in production headphones. The most famous rumor involving project Stormcrow is of a German manufacturer that is said to have used technology to create the HD580/HD600/HD650 model headphones. This rumor has been debunked many times, with intelligence insiders claiming that the sound of these headphones is far too muffled to be tied to anything authentically derived from project Stormcrow. It is alternatively theorized that the German manufacturer possibly used leaked information from a Soviet devised counter-program to project Stormcrow. This theory makes sense, as it aligns with the soviet occupation of East Germany and explains the inferior performance of the final headphones.

Recently, a newly released headphone called the Orpheus II, from the same German company mentioned above, has drawn the focus of the world, as many have claimed it to be a full-on clone of the project Stormcrow developed model. However, trusted sources indicate that while certain technology is common between the models, there are significant differences. Some speculate that there is a possibility that extraterrestrial (possibly reptilian) technology has been used in the creation of the new Orpheus because of the frequency response range that extends well beyond capacity of human hearing. While the German manufacturer claims that the base is made from marble, it is impossible to rule out the usage of off-world minerals until a core sample has been obtained from one of the limited release Orpheus II's.

The government and elites know that the perfect headphones exist, and exert their influence to hide this fact through the use of smokescreen fan-sights that obscure the hidden truth through hype, propaganda and silencing all opposition. Some theorize that Head-Fi either started, or was later coopted, as a front for disinformation with the purpose of ensuring that the truth about project Stormcrow is never heard. While this cannot be verified, any obfuscation of the truth serves only to misdirect the many enthusiasts that seek to find the perfect listening device. If all of the cross-implemented technology from project Stormcrow was to be traced and verified, the application of such knowledge would endanger the status-quo. Rest assured, the bitterness of lies cannot satisfy a desire for the sweetness of truth. In your unrelenting pursuit of audio perfection remember always: The truth is out there.

Please join the fight to spread the truth about project Stormcrow by passing this article on to your friends and family.

 

Sweet.

 

Hello, my name is Locke Lamora, founder and president of the Glorious STAX Master Race. I'm here to talk to you about what is, for all mankind, an existential struggle that has raged since the dawn of recorded time.

We at the STAX Master Race are on a crusade to stamp out the rampant and heretical worshipping of Sennheiser brand headphones. Outside of the lunatic fringe, no world citizen of sound mind and body would dare take part in these ritual profanities, had they only the knowledge of the sin they were committing.

Let's think about this for a second. What is Ireland famous for?

- Catholicism
- Guinness, and alcoholism in general
- St Patrick's Day
- Potatoes
- Car bombs
- The fiendish manufacture of Sennheiser headphones

All of these are related. Bear with me as I explain how, on penalty of the damnation of your eternal soul.

Our top-secret source at the highest levels of the Catholic Church, who operates under the codename "Frope Pancis," has personally assured me that the greatest trick Sennheiser ever pulled was convincing the world they make good headphones. He went on to say that the "serpent" of biblical lore, who was responsible for the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, was in fact none other than the first pair of Sennheiser headphones in known history: the dreaded HD666, famously inscribed with "One Pair to rule them all". Upon donning these egregious instruments of Satan, a voice spoke to Eve, tempting her to partake of the forbidden fruit.

Other sources have alluded to the existence of a Sennheiser-Guinness partnership, created for the express purpose of marketing evil headphones to drunk people. Alcohol has long been an avenue into sin, and none is worse than the sacrilege of Sennheiser headphones.

St. Patrick's Day is a holiday that everyone seems to celebrate, but no one knows why. In deigning to speak of the technical merits of these blasphemous machines, Sennheisers are the headphone equivalent of St. Patrick's Day. Everyone seems to celebrate them, but no one knows why. Until now, for I am here to tell you that evil lies in the heart of man, and this is the evil that drives otherwise good men to the infernal devices of Sennheiser.

The Irish Potato Famine was responsible for, in even measures, the death or emigration of 20-25% of the population of Ireland in the mid 1800s. Just so, the Sennheiser Plague will be responsible for the damnation of the eternal souls of 20-25% of the headphone-using populace. We at the Glorious STAX Master Race simply can not let our brothers in cans fall to such a dastardly foe.

How do I dispose of The Cans of Beelzebub, and repent of the base deeds I have committed? These are questions you are no doubt asking yourself now. Surprisingly, car bombs have proved insufficient at cleansing the world of their taint, but we at the Glorious STAX Master Race have developed a foolproof method for their disposal, with thousands of these devices already meeting a fiery Doom. The details of the ritual or its location must be kept hidden, as servants of the Dark Lord are everywhere, but contact me with the code phrase "Frodo", and I will direct you to how to send them to our secret volcano lair. Err, I mean, our secret lair that's deep in the mountains. It's totally not a volcano.

As for your repentance, well, this is the highest calling of our organization, to spread the good word of STAX. The most effective way to earn redemption in the eyes of Those High is to equip yourself with the most glorious pair of earspeakers ever devised, as no pair of mere "headphones" could possibly redeem your immortal soul. The highest calling of all those who worship at the altar of sound is to possess these inimitable paragons of audio reproduction.

But Mr. Lamora, you tell me, I can't afford a pair of Glorious STAX Earspeakers!

Ha, filthy pleb- err, excuse me, not to worry! Do you have a functioning automobile? Well, one of these can easily be sold to fund your STAX enlightenment! What's more important, getting to work on time, OR THE DAMNATION OF YOUR ETERNAL SOUL?

If you are not in possession of a functioning automobile, then fortunately for you the Glorious STAX Master Race is now rolling out a limited time trade in program. Any young child, whether it is your own, a sibling, a neighbor's or simply one off the street, can be traded in for a new set of Glorious STAX Earspeakers. Make sure the child is packed well, double boxing is recommended, and preference is given for those sent in the original manufacturer's packaging.

Ship to:

Glorious STAX Master Race
Department for Audiophonic Rehabilitation
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022

And bask in your newfound place among the audio-enlightened.

812 words! Woo! Either way, thanks for the opportunity. I've learned a lot lurking here and would love to try out the Element, as normally it would be out of my price range for now - as are even a pair of Sennheisers, unless my trick with the volcano lair works...

 

Here we go guys, "Fear and Loathing in Judea"


Fifteen minutes more of walking to arrive at the Regent Hotel. The sun was hot and the goddamn tropical humidity wasn’t helping matters. Deep down the urge to ban someone was rising and I needed to scratch that itch. I pull my iPhone from my back pocket and fumble with the screen scrolling the user list.

“Hey Jude, any ideas for today’s ban?”

“How about that Mercer guy, I haven’t been feeling the love from him lately. f**k it, ban another one of the older guys too.”

“Great” I say as I squint to try to read the cuneiform on the Head-Fi admin panel. The miniature iPhone screen is one problem, but the sweat coming down from my eyebrows is really making this a challenge. I blink hard to get the stinging moisture from my eyes while jabbing the screen over and over. No problem, I check two or three or maybe four boxes and drop the hammer just like I always do. Serves Mercer and whoever the hell else I picked right.

“WOOOOOO!” I find myself screaming, arms spread like the Redeemer, as I sign off on the bans, as Head-Fi office custom demands. Jude spins around, giving me the glare he usually reserves for people who tell him they don’t like his gear. I look up, we’re right at the entrance of the Regent.

I see his point, more bad craziness like that and we’d have a harder time convincing the receptionist that we really were the guys in charge of the big CanJam Singapore event in the two ballrooms. In my defense, it is hard to hold back right after the breakfast Kool-aid n’ Adderall mix. I am pumped, primed, and ready to rock. Luckily that little spell doesn’t dissuade the manager, and soon he’s escorting us to our venue.

The doors fling open, and I stride into the hall, one pace behind beaming figure of The Jude himself. Awash with the roaring adulation of the teeming masses, we make our way to the Hifiman station first, where the good Dr Fang had assured us of the most exquisite booth babes. Not sooner than 30 seconds after we enter I am struck just below the chin by a soft, faintly damp, projectile, which just so happens to fall into my free hand. I jerk my head in the direction I think it came from, and see a girl who has stopped screaming along with the crowd, looking a little disappointed. Seems like she meant it for The Jude. Her loss. I look into my clenched hand and see frilly patterns in black lace sticking out between my fingers. Tasteful. Most definitely Bat Country.

While Jude sees to the booth babes, I walk over to the neighboring Headamp station to talk to Justin’s people. Gotta make sure they keep to their usual tribute for the year, lest we axe the BHSE from our STAX 009 recommendation page in the buying guide.

“Amos, I…”

“You little shits! Do you know who the f**k I am? Call Justin, I’m tired of listening to this dogshit.”

They aren’t hard to convince, especially with role model Dr Fang next door. The rep had the look of a man defeated, his girlfriend by his side in tears. Right as I finish up my little powwow with them, I realize I’ve kept the saucy little number in my hand the entire time. Goddammit.

Jude screams at me for the Shangri-La input tubes right in the middle of me stashing the goods in the tube bag. I’m nearly up to my elbow in pricey tubes and pricier amphetamines, but the quad of PSVanes are nowhere to be found. Shit. Must have been that Jeff asshole from Hifiman again. Gotta remember to ban him too once I’m back at the room.

Jude doesn’t take too kindly to this mix-up, and the Hifiman reps are stiff as a board and wincing as he gets medieval on the nearest booth babe. A real shame about that one. After he’s done and the Hifiman guys get started on cleanup, I remind him about the IEM seminar we’re holding at noon.

“Goddammit, fuckin’ Jeff again. This is like the thing with the Alpha Primes all over again. When was that seminar again?”

“Noon. We’ve got 10 minutes”

“Fuckin’ A.”

Marching back to the room entrance is just like before, and this time I’m pelted twice with groupie garments. Girls out here need to work on their aim. I turn to throw these back into the crowd and dash out the door to catch up with Jude.

By the looks of it, some kid is taking a selfie with The Jude. The Jude is magnanimous, sharing the love with even the most humble of his fans. The kid is lit up talking to Him, and even Jude is having a blast. Its good being one of the Chosen. Just as I’m thinking this, I pick up the kid speaking the words.

“....spend more time on other forums..”

Shit. He did it. He said it.

The hallway seems to dim as The Jude’s face starts going wild. The Jude is cool with you saying all kinds of things in his presence, but those simply won’t do.

His nostrils flare and jaw clenches as he works himself into the mood. I can feel His shadow draping itself over me as he starts to loom over the kid, who just now looked almost 6 feet tall. Here we go…

“Some people, I won’t name names, assume a kind of false authority….”

The kid is starting to shrink into his boots.

“Irresponsible use of measurements...”

Now The Jude is really starting to get going, eyes popping and arms windmilling about gesturing signs only known to The Great Beyond.

“I even heard one of these people say: ‘Axel Grell doesn’t know how to make a headphone.’ Can you believe it?”

The kid is really feeling the heat now. The Jude is laying into him while surrounding the kid in a shape unknown to Euclidean geometry. Even I’m getting nauseous just watching. I need to lean on the wall to keep going.

“Thanks man, see you around.”

The light in the room comes back to normal, and I’m not sure if it’s been a minute or an hour. I don’t see the kid anywhere. The Jude looks over his shoulder, eyes back in their sockets, imploring me:

“What’s the hold-up man? Let’s get this trade show on the road.”

 

Nicely done.I like the way the identity of the narrator is revealed half way in.

 

Nice. I love the bats; I was waiting for the bats. I got knickers, with an allusion to bats. That's ok: I like knickers too. Or do you you Americans call them panties? Actually, I have no clue what you Americans call them these days.

HitmanFluffy, I'm ready for another chapter. Please!

Request: even more substance abuse and debauchery. You could make a whole thread out of this!

 

@auri , STAX master race. Interesting take.

@HitmanFluffy , will part two also have Emperor Jude's invention/implementation of FOTM to advance his plans to take over the audio hobby so that he can become the Sauron of audio? If your reply to this is "buy the M50" you have been brainwashed...

 

Quick question. Will this convention be using super-delegates in the voting process?

 

I personally preferred the ones which didn't pick on individual people, justified or not.

 

I'm sad to only have read one erotic Head-Fi fic to be honest.

 

You have a very good point there --- but I still voted for fear and loathing.

 

Congratulations to HitmanFluffy!

Fear and Loathing is a rich source for parody: a bottomless well! All the more reason that I'd like to see more chapters from Hitman



.

 

Aw jeez, thanks guys. With all this positive reception, I'm gonna write a sequel in a different style. Probably spy novel.

 

I'm surprised nobody came up with the Phallux x Massdong THX00 Morningwood review. Inspired by resonator technology used by Sennweiner, they came up with detachable wooden resonators that stick to the sides of the cups. Comes with three different resonator tunings: African Blackwood (longest and thickest resonator at 2 feet, provides greatest extension both ends, can clearly hear 192kHz while bass thrusts deep and hard), European Beech (1 foot resonator, almost equal extension but softer) and Asian Teak (shortest resonator at 5 inches, only up to 44.1kHz, but has good attack yet not fatiguing). Also the closed-back WalNut for portable use (wrinkled design provides diffuse soundstage, ballsy engaging signature that is perfect for use on subways). Wife made jokes about the design, but as soon after she put the headphones on we were rocking the bed. So: Headphones that get you music and sex. Best part? The price. First 5-figure headphone sold by Massdong, and evidently the price tag brought out the intrinsic sound quality that was hidden away by the THX00's usual discount.