Need more life advice

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by Ryu, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. Ryu

    Ryu Friend

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    I am struggling with some inner person thoughts that are hard to elaborate on but I will try my best. How do I become content with the things that I have? Another way to put it, how do I accept the way that I am?

    I have a friend who excels at a lot of things that he does (we were in a computer networking course and he was much better at it then I and I consider myself above average at it) and yet he is completely content with living at home with his parents working a dead end retail job. This guy could be making $100k+/year easily if he continued with the rate at which he was absorbing and tackling the stuff we were learning, but he is still completely content with the way he is living right now.

    Yet, here I am, struggling to continue on my path of self-improvement. I understand that I will never be the best at something and that I am not that great at other things but I still feel this strange feeling of wanting to improve even though I see no real improvement in the thing I am working towards. It feels frustrating to know that I have so much self worth and that I am smart/capable enough to be doing better but I always make these stupid or sometimes unnecessary mistakes in whatever I do and it always sets me back in what I am doing.

    For example, I got a speeding ticket while on my provisional drivers license and got it suspended with the only ability to commute to work and school. I don't mean to speed while driving, I just get comfortable and enjoy the control of the car and forget to monitor my speed. I am by no means a reckless driver but I just do these stupid and unnecessary things that ends up fucking me over somehow. I wish I could just slow everything that I do down and work through it instead of being the way that I am. It makes so flustered when I do this because I KNOW that I can do this task and that the task is easy but I still make a mistake.

    Is this just over-confidence? Do I need to be less confident and be more critical? It's hard for me to tell and it makes me feel uncomfortable or sad to have to ask about this stuff. I don't know what's wrong with me. :(

    Sorry for the wall of text. Hope you can forgive me.
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2016
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  2. Colgin

    Colgin Friend

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    hey Ryu - I don't have any advice for you and would be careful of any advice you might get from an audio forum full of people who don't know you IRL. But i did want to express my empathy and send some good vibes your way.
     
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  3. k4rstar

    k4rstar Done his time

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    I don't have any advice either, but I thought I would implement the technique of paragraphing and fix some typos for ya.

     
  4. Ryu

    Ryu Friend

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    @Colgin I got some pretty solid advice from people here before. I know you guys are much older then I (being 20) and have had much more experience. I always take anything with a grain of salt to begin with. It's just that I don't have many resources to access or that I am aware of. My family is kind of clueless (I have asked them before).

    Thanks @k4rstar I have updated the original post.
     
  5. Merrick

    Merrick A lidless ear

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    Ryu, have you considered meditation? It is a great way to increase your mindfulness. Being fully invested in any given moment is actually a very difficult thing to do, and our world with 10,000 distractions per minute doesn't help.
     
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  6. Eric_C

    Eric_C Friend

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    Just based on what you've written, it does seem like you might be a touch over-confident. Easy tasks aren't guaranteed successes, for example. Humility would be an antidote to this, but I can't tell you why you should be humble beyond your stated desire to achieve certain results.
    Perhaps you can ask your friend (or consider the question yourself) why he is content? Similarly, it may be worthwhile asking yourself why you want to improve yourself?
     
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  7. Middy

    Middy Acquaintance

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    Ryu, first of all my I remind you from what you said that you fall into the happy normal range of thinking.
    The irony of patients is you have to learn to be patient.....
    When describing the positives of yourself you end up talking about a pimple on your nose and forget 99% of the rest of you.
    You can judge your friend with ease but it's hard when we spend a lifetime comparing others to ourselves.... I bet if you asked him he could list a few things he wishes he had that seem trivial to you.
    Drive focus the need to grow and always looking for answers....
    asking questions here does say a few things about yourself.....As I said you sound normal.... You want to grow and have a little self doubt.... We all do but that makes you grow as a person...you compare and question...that's great my friend... see what others do and aspire to do thier most noble trait''s . .... aspire doesn't mean we fail if we cannot equal or better... I aspire to be fitter...it doesn't mean I fail if I cant win the 100 metres gold medal..... But you try regardless and come through better for it..
    Remember though as mentioned advice is a buffet.. take what you will from it that us most useful ... Stress not a problem..... Any thoughts... silly ones are normal too....Speak to someone at college a councillor or a medical practitioner and talk about your worries face to face.....
    You have had the strength and self confidence to ask here my friend.
    Aspire... and talk to someone in private....open up as much as possible and lay it all out..... All things in time....but you have make some great first steps.. even the mistakes . .... It means you are learning..
    Good luck and keep smiling... Welcome to the normal club.....
    Dave
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2016
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  8. Madaboutaudio

    Madaboutaudio Friend

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    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  9. TwoEars

    TwoEars Friend

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    I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice but what the heck.

    "I am struggling with some inner person thoughts that are hard to elaborate on but I will try my best. How do I become content with the things that I have? Another way to put it, how do I accept the way that I am?"

    I second @Merrick. Meditation actually works. Try doing 20 min of meditation the first thing in the morning every morning for two weeks. You'd be suprised how many CEO's and rock stars are doing it. It's not placebo but you have to commit to it.

    "I have a friend who excels at a lot of things that he does (we were in a computer networking course and he was much better at it then I and I consider myself above average at it) and yet he is completely content with living at home with his parents working a dead end retail job. This guy could be making $100k+/year easily if he continued with the rate at which he was absorbing and tackling the stuff we were learning, but he is still completely content with the way he is living right now"

    Some people are like that. Knew a girl who easily could have been the boss. Nope, she wasn't interested. She turned it down several times. She just wanted to come in and do the basics and go home to her family. That was her priority. Another guy (one of the smartest I've known) dropped out of a $95k a year job and became a gas station clerk 5 min from his (very modest) home. Didn't care about the rat race at all. Still - your friend needs to leave the nest at some point.

    "I understand that I will never be the best at something"

    You're setting yourself up for failure, don't do that.

    "It feels frustrating to know that I have so much self worth and that I am smart/capable enough to be doing better but I always make these stupid or sometimes unnecessary mistakes in whatever I do and it always sets me back in what I am doing."

    Are you by any chance a bit of a daydreamer? Meditation can help you train yourself to be more in the moment and focus more on what you're doing. But don't be too afraid of making mistakes, mistakes are part of life and a good way of learning. Just try not to die, go broke or get married to the wrong woman in the process.

    "For example, I got a speeding ticket while on my provisional drivers license and got it suspended with the only ability to commute to work and school. I don't mean to speed while driving, I just get comfortable and enjoy the control of the car and forget to monitor my speed. I am by no means a reckless driver but I just do these stupid and unnecessary things that ends up fucking me over somehow. I wish I could just slow everything that I do down and work through it instead of being the way that I am. It makes so flustered when I do this because I KNOW that I can do this task and that the task is easy but I still make a mistake."

    It's pretty common for young men of your age to be fast drivers. It's fun, you feel in control.... I used to be like that myself. Try to do something else than driving when driving. For instance don't think "I'm going to drive to work and I'm going to drive really well". Think instead "I'm going to have a chill time in my car and listen an audio book and I'll be there in 20 minutes or so. No stress".

    "Is this just over-confidence? Do I need to be less confident and be more critical?"

    Don't beat yourself up over it. Most young men are over-confident, it's completely normal. Thinking critically is what it is to be an adult. Just don't be too critical of yourself, no one is perfect. It's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all etc.

    It's hard for me to tell and it makes me feel uncomfortable or sad to have to ask about this stuff. I don't know what's wrong with me. :(

    I don't know you personally so I can't really say too much here. But the issues you've raised are pretty normal for people your age I would say. Chances are you're completely normal. Lots of people struggle with who they are what they want to be "when they grow up", part of being human.

    Some ideas:

    1) Try the meditation thing 20 min every morning for two weeks. Just sit upright, be calm and focus on your breathing. Try to not think about anything or think about something calming like ocean waves hitting the beach or something like that. It's going to be weird if you've never done it before but most people feel more "aware" and "present" for the rest of the day. Lots of people do it, especially in Asia. Lots of books on the subject if you like it.

    2) Read some more books. Read the classics like LoTR, Foundation and Dune etc. Watch the films on the imdb top 250 list. Usually reading lots of good books and watching lots of good movies help broaden your life experience and put things in perspective.

    3) Again - I don't know you. But exercise is a great way to feel better and boost self confidence. Maybe you're already active but if not try finding something you like doing. Walking, running, hiking, cycling, swimming, fotball, tennis, rugby, martial arts, boxing... lots of option. But it's good if it gets your cardio up.
     
  10. Armaegis

    Armaegis Friend

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  11. Mamba

    Mamba Friend

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    How do you become content with the things you have? Stop thinking about what you don't have.

    How can you be content with who you are? Stop telling yourself what you are.

    Cannot control your mind in this manner? The great news is that you can learn how, but it takes sincere effort and desire.

    If you are sincere, the clues will come to you. They could come in any form, so be open. Don't get discouraged. You weren't born this way. Everything that is bothering you is the result of acquired conditioning and habits. You learned how to drive yourself crazy, and you can unlearn it if you want to.
     
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  12. Muse Wanderer

    Muse Wanderer Friend

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    These experiences you are having are not unique to you. You could read this book 'The Chimp Paradox' to try to understand how our mind works.

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X

    It is very well written and highlights ways we can manage our thoughts and emotions that are often in conflict with each other. Our emotional centres are represented by a 'chimp' and it can literally take over our lives. The human centre on the other hand can be 'trained' to manage the chimp with various ways and means. Highly recommended.
     
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  13. landroni

    landroni Friend

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    I don't have much serious advice to give, but a random thought. In your early 20s it is natural to have many questions about what you are, and what you want, and what you will achieve. In fact, you'll spend the better part of your next 20 years slowly getting to grasp with these things... So in this sense, no pressure. ;)
     
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  14. Deep Funk

    Deep Funk Deep thoughts - Friend

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    I can say "Hakuna Matata" and go Disney on you but I prefer Rich Hall's reaction to Kanye West's self-help book.



    Do your thing, fuck up a few times and learn. After that have a drink and enjoy the moment. Coffee is good too...
     
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  15. Gravity

    Gravity Friend

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    To answer your question

    I'm gonna jump down to the last part in your post.

    First of all, don't apologize for something you shouldn't. By doing that you're essentially blaming yourself for no reason and that's a self-destructive habbit that should get rid of.

    These two sentences has "please accept me" written all over them and, like your question, it's related to self-esteem. You're basically asking how to love yourself, and there's no better way of doing that than to improve your self-esteem.

    Speaking of negative habbits again, you should really stop comparing yourself to others because you can never win that game. Instead, replace that habbit with a good one where you compare yourself to yourself. Where are you now compared to yesterday. Focus on you. This will actually also improve your self-esteem.

    Hope this helps :)
     
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  16. Stuff Jones

    Stuff Jones Friend

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    Find a copy of Tao Te Ching and spend time with it.
     
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  17. sphinxvc

    sphinxvc Gear Master (retired)

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    Why does this read like "accepting yourself" doesn't involve following that impetus to improve yourself? Maybe you need to ponder your premise, and read Fight Club or something (I mean that sincerely, it's a good book).

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016
  18. thegunner100

    thegunner100 Hentai Master Chief

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    Ryu, I don't have much advice for you considering that I'm only a few years older than you and only recently begun my first real job since graduating college. Maybe you can find some hobbies that you can enjoy and relax to. Having a daily routine with a stable work and personal schedule helps me a lot too. Here are the hobbies that usually help me relax after having to deal with my family:

    Audio - You're already here, so enjoy listening to some good music with the gear that you already own. Or go out and discover some new music! If you were ever interested in checking out Touhou music (there's a ton of variety and genres), I could hook you up and give you some recommendations.

    Coffee - It's always nice to go to try out a new cafe or going back to one of my favorites. Buying a new bag of coffee is always exciting because it's a new taste and something I can share with my friends when they come over. I don't know if you drink coffee or not, but this can apply to tea or whatever else you may enjoy drinking.

    Blogging/writing - I haven't been active as I used to be but the last time I worked on it (maybe 1-2 weeks ago), it was a really peaceful and soothing session. Having a little bit of good liquor also helps :). Maybe you can try starting a blog about something that you really enjoy doing.

    Anyways, we're both young people and you're not in any dire situation. There's a lot to learn and explore, so find something that you can enjoy and relax to, and enjoy life as it moves along.
     
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  19. Deep Funk

    Deep Funk Deep thoughts - Friend

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    We have all been in that stage where we were lost souls because "young" and "inexperienced." I do not like that period in my life. I fucked up many times and had to learn the hard way. All I wish for looking back on that period is someone telling me "do your thing, live and learn" and "we can always talk and catch up." I was lucky to have some truly good friends and good people around me. Honest people are more valuable than all the gold in the world.

    This is my last post in this thread. @Ryu you are lucky I am sentimental enough now to post this. That is what I get from playing Kate Bush on my day off with fresh coffee. Do your thing and have fun. You fuck up, you learn and move on. When you feel sad play your favourite music and find your way again. This hobby has saved me from many stupid mistakes...

     
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  20. DigMe

    DigMe Needs a baby bottle

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    I strongly recommend seeing a psychological counselor to talk through this. Just try one session and see how it goes.
     
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